How would our stories as adults (or our childhood) look different, if only our parents had been honest with themselves? What if they had pursued the Lord's desires for their heart? What if when they desired change in the family they had started with themselves rather than point fingers - or even some choosing to walk away ? What if they had not been too fearful to stare at themselves in the mirror for a deeper - honest look ?
My mind or heart can barely tread in these waters- truly - divorce would perhaps not be a part of my story. Wedges would not be so deep - my heart less wounded. Truly , only God knows how different it would be- but He wants me (or you) to desire more for our lives. He wants His Power to allow change in us and through us. He desires His best for us.
I am 37 - as of now (unless I get a crazy whim) I am done with my years of formal education. I probably won't make any drastic career change ( I can hear my husband cheering for this statement). So, where does that put my brain and heart that craves change, growth, lifelong learning? I believe it places me in the fertile years of constant growth as a student of God's heart. This path can be emotional, rocky, barren, dark, and looming at times because I must first stare into my sinful ways by looking at my heart's yuckiness. I must acknowledge the desire He has for us to become more than adults in a pattern of life - but that He urges and pushes us to become more like Him. There is no final diploma or degree for this task - it is a constant cycle of honesty, growth awareness, alignment with God's heart - and from this comes change from within.
I don't know about you, but as a parent, my flaws have never been so visible. My need for control - my quickness to anger - my impatience - at time my downright seedy disrespect - seem highlighted, bold-faced, and underlined as I parent and as I interact with my family- husband included. At times, my sins are directly named and pointed out by my precious kids (this one hurts for sure).
How then could I ever consider myself a completed creation - a person no longer in need of brutal honesty to push forth change? As someone once told me, "If you don't feel stretched or feel as if growing pains have ceased, then you are not only stagnant in your Christian walk- but even worse - you are losing ground - withering."
So, I hope my children nor my husband got dealt a withering, stagnant, stale mother and wife -
I am pushing forward, digging up old habits and fears, taking long looks in the mirror - all the while keeping my eyes upward towards the Son to grow into the full creation God has for me. I cannot lie - this task is sweaty, tearful difficult work, but I can see new sprigs of growth, the death of fears - God making me NEW again. I pray my boys desire to do the same will ignite. I also pray and hope they can see God loves the imperfect and God makes all things new in His time when we align with Him. We are never tool old or too accomplished to grow and change with the Lord.
" Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, he new has come! "
2 Corinthians 5:17
a mid-thirties mom and wife seeking truth, peace and joy in my daily life. mom to two wild, snuggly, and fierce boys - and wife to my best friend and bearded man of my dreams. My joys are giving and receiving gifts (its my love language- not materialistic) - pushing my limits and extinguishing my stress in the workout room- serving others in the medical profession and in my community of friends . i love doing life with others - the phone calls on way to work, the couch discussions, the annual camping trips - My community of friends would tell you I am as authentic and outspoken as you can get - sometimes you can find my husband hiding behind a pillow! My parents thought I would always be a lawyer- I have a strong passion to get the last word - I just cant walk away. Marriage, Motherhood, and my walk with the Lord continue to push me, shape me, and change me. I pray this blog will bless just ONE - and the point to the ONE-